Perhaps a Pig-shaped Lantern Would Help

It’s New Years Day, and Seraphina has been sick since Christmas Eve. Not good. Her regular pediatrician’s office is closed until tomorrow, and I do not think she is sick enough to warrant a trip to the ER or urgent care, so I just gave her the last dose of Motrin and she is now snuggling with Great Grannie watching Puppy Dog Pals.

This situation is giving me flashbacks; when Lily was about 2 months away from turning 3, she spent NYE in the children’s hospital back in NJ for a nasty respiratory virus. It is never pleasant to spend time in the hospital with a sick child, but to spend it there on a holiday made it all the more bitter. I am wondering how this has come to be, to have another sick holiday with another young child. I had hoped and prayed last night that this illness would be behind her by today, so I can’t help but feel this is 2018 taking one last stab at me after I complained about it.

Screw you, 2018.

My dear friends Jay and Melissa have this awesome annual Chinese New Years party which I dearly miss since having moved south, and early this morning I got a Facebook notification about it- Jay reminding us its coming up, and that it will be the Year of the Pig. I was born in the Year of the Pig 1983, so maybe that holds some meaning for how this year will be. According to the Chinese Zodiac, pigs can be a symbol of good fortune. They also tend to sleep in, which is why they are the last sign on the zodiac. I definitely slept in today.

Birth year aside, I have held pigs in higher regard and adored them since as far back as I can remember. They are cute and smart in my opinion, although in many cultures that is not the common conception.

When I was in elementary school, we went on a school trip to visit a farm. The only thing I remember from the entire experience was getting to hold a soft, pink baby pig. It was so sweet and I just wanted to take it home with me. That moment affected me so deeply, it was probably the very first seed that caused me to go vegetarian a few years later, a diet I have chosen on-and-off again ever since; currently, I am not practicing vegetarianism or veganism, however I would like to be (not an easy feat when you live next door to the BBQ capital of the USA).

Today I am in a funk, surrendering to “doing nothingness”, and focusing on making my sweet little baby feel as comfortable as possible. Maybe we’ll get lucky and this is the last day she’ll feel bad. Not the best way to ring in the New Year, for any of us in this household. Our littlest light is dimmed today, and we are finding it difficult to do much of anything but helping to gain back that light.

And that’s what we’re all searching for anyway, isn’t it? Finding our light, or holding on to it. I hope I can move through the darkness more adeptly this year, and remember the light is always shining, but sometimes I must seek it out and nurture it a bit.

Image courtesy of Aligorith's Lair

Goodbye and Good Riddance, 2018

2018 has been a challenging year, there is no way around it the way I reflect on it now. I have tried looking at it from various angles, trying to understand why it had to be this way, and I think I am still not quite understanding why. These last few days of it have been marked with sickness, fatigue, sadness, and a sprinkling of chaos just to make it all the more fun. I feel like it has been a punishing year, and I really hate to feel that way, but that is just the way it has felt.

Punished for what?, you might ask. I am not entirely sure, but I do think it is mainly because I have not been true to myself and my own personal beliefs, mainly in order to appease others, and to “fit in”, something that has not been my calling card for a very long time. Earlier today, I used that word- punishing –when speaking to my friend about how I have felt upon reflecting on 2018, and she said God would not punish me, that there is no reason for me to be punished, that God knows I am doing my best and that life can just be difficult at times to make us stronger and better to face what life might throw at us in the future. I hope she’s right, but I if I still need to get stronger…I am in for a bumpy ride, because strong is not the way I feel lately.

2018 has been a year of service for me. I have been a mother, a wife, a caretaker, a realtor, a homemaker, a cook, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a problem solver…but, I have not been any of these things to myself. I have not practiced much in forms of self-care, only behavior that I labeled as “treating myself” when it happened, but was really just making an excuse for unhealthy self-indulgence when I was tired and stressed.

I came to North Carolina for a new life, a better life, a life that was supposed to help form me into the new, better person I know I could/can be. It started off great: the summer of 2016, when we moved here, was full of promise and hope, positive energy, making and meeting goals, enjoying life, and loving each other. Then, my grandmother got very sick and things started to look bleak. Money was running out, and the plan of starting new jobs later that year was not exactly staying on track. Then, on New Year’s Eve of that year, a little voice told me I was pregnant, and then that inkling was confirmed about two weeks later when I took a pregnancy test. So, that changed a lot of things.

It was a very rough pregnancy, but I came out with a beautiful, remarkable daughter at the end, and I am loving her more than I thought possible to love another being as I have Lily. No regrets there, but it threw a bit of a bump on the once smoother path to reaching my goals.

Our goals have been, to summarize:

-Do more to build a homestead-type lifestyle, where we rely less on the framework society has built in forms of food, energy, health, income, etc.

-Find out what our true passions are in life, and dive in headfirst to make that what we do

-Live and love better, by trying to get more and enjoy more out of life, and worry and stress less

Should have been simple goals to reach, right? Or at least to work towards, or so we thought. We were certainly on that path, and it felt ever so good and satisfying to be raising chickens and planting seeds and building things and exploring solar energy and making budget plans that we could actually stick to, and all of these other things and skills and experiences we so desperately wanted…but, somehow, we got off of that path when other responsibilities took foothold, and depression and laziness stepped in, and now we are no better than before we moved here, and even further in the hole financially-speaking, when financial freedom was one of our top goals.

I love my family, and my children are truly my reason for continuing anything, but it shouldn’t be that way. I should also be doing the things I do for me. I keep telling myself that service to others is the greatest gift and a high honor, especially to be caring for my grandmother who has done so much for me and my family throughout her own life, but it still takes its toll. Caring for her has been rewarding, yet extremely challenging, and from talking to others who have been in similar circumstances, she is in a better state than most people her age. Thus, I keep telling myself to count my blessings.

And count them I do…over and over until the little nagging, complaining voice gets buried deep down below the surface, drowned out until the next time it bobs back up. And that helps at the time, but it is just like putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs surgery: Something more effective will have to be done.

I look in the mirror and I can see it in my face. I can feel it in my bones, in all the aches and pains, the unwarranted tightness in my jaw. A change is desperately needed, and, no, I don’t think it is just parenting and adulthood taking its toll. It is this life I have been given and how I have chosen to treat it. I need to treat it better, by honoring my family and friends and fellow beings, and myself. The world around us is very loud and scary these days, but I have to not be afraid.

I am going to work on it, because- what else can I do? I can’t give up and I won’t give up, even though I have to admit that thought crosses my mind nearly every day. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, and that is not a good sign.

I am not writing this to cause worry, or illicit a reaction from anyone, it’s just to get it out and put it out there, and move forward, and maybe help someone who might be struggling with something similar.

I will end this by saying, today, on this New Year’s Eve of 2019, I am not going to make a resolution, but I am going to keep on going, and trying to make myself a better person each and every day by doing whatever it takes within reason, because taking care of myself along with my family needs to come first no matter what. I will also list the things I am grateful for, because it is always good to end and start on a positive note.

3 Things I am Grateful For at this Moment:

1.     I am grateful for the family I have, and that they are always there for me, even when I think they aren’t

2.     I am grateful for a functioning heating system in my home, because there are so many people in this world who do not have that privilege

3.     I am grateful for the delicious lemon ginger cheesecake my Aunt Diane made and brought while visiting this holiday break, of which I just finished the last slice

I think as long as I live in a world where I have loved ones caring for me who make me dinner and bake for me every once in a while, I must be doing okay.

New Year, New Post

It is 2017. So much has been going on for the past 2 months, which is why I haven’t been posting. I could go into it, but I’ll be here for a quite a while and probably lose your interest in the process. Let’s just say my grandmother returned from a disastrous trip to Washington that has now left her in more need of daily assistance than ever, and I have been her nurse maid all of late November through December. She’s getting better, now, but will unlikely ever be able to live on her own again, or even drive. Her body is just giving in to the trials and tribulations of getting old- she is 82, after all. The best way for me to put how much time and effort she required from me these past 6 weeks is to say it was like having a newborn in the house, only fortunately she can speak and I didn’t have to change any diapers.

It’s a new year now, so it’s time to get back on the ball. My real estate aspirations were shelved after realizing my time was going to be limited with Grandma’s care being a priority for a period of time, but I am back to hitting the books and will hopefully pass the State Exam to get my license in NC. I took the test prior…and failed. It was quite defeating. Turns out, North Carolina has one of the highest fail rates on their real estate exams- YAY! So, at least I got to walk away knowing it’s not just be, others have failed, too. Repeatedly. Six times, according to one broker I met. Can’t wait.

Paul is in the process of getting his bus drivers license, which is also proving to be a much more daunting and drawn-out task than we were originally lead to believe. One of us will have to start working somewhere by the end of the month if things don’t start moving faster soon.

Lily continues to thrive and she is now a Daisy (Girl Scout) and recently earned her first yellow stripe in Kung Fu! I have also been taking adult classes 3-4 times a month, which has been a lot more awesome than I ever expected. I hope to boost it to 6-8 classes a month soon, but for now, that is all my time/finances will allow.

Proud Daisy the night she was officially added as a member

The adjustment to Carolina living continues, and I’m finding out about all kinds of political strife and undeveloped social acceptance in this state I used to just consider beautiful and easy-going. They are living in the past in so many ways, and just not very open-minded and ethical at all. Really sad, but, I can’t worry about that right now. We have made this commitment, and we are sticking to it. We still love where we live and the quality of life still tops NJ, so we ain’t heading over yonder jus’ yet!

We had an awesome Halloween, which i really wish I had posted about because we took a trip to Old Salem for their Halloween event, and i got a lot of great pics. Here's one of Lily in front of a haunted house:

She went as Mulan !!!

Thanksgiving was crazy, but fun. We had between 10-15 visiting for a week during that holiday, and it was tolling on all of us, but worth every second. It was especially nice having loved ones with me for my birthday, which was on November 26. Christmas was quiet, but I was stressed anyway, mainly because of all the other things I had teetering on my plate. I have shed all of that which was dragging me down as I stepped into this new year, so I am doing my best to keep my head up, stay focused, and continue to do what is best for me and my family. What else can I do, really?

One thing is, I am really starting to miss my friends. This was the first NYE that I did not receive a single call or text from anyone at midnight. However, I did receive a few calls and texts earlier in the day, but not right at midnight. I know it is actually because most of my friends and family were sleeping already (we getting old!), but I couldn’t help but make this sad observation. It’s not like I called or texted anyone myself, and I would’ve slept through the ball drop as well had Paul not woken me, so this may just be the norm now. We’re in our thirties and can’t be bothered to stay up until midnight. I think a lot of people were sick, too. Lily had a stomach bug most of the day on New Year’s Eve, so we weren’t about to do anything too exciting.

Still, noticing this change- the lack of a social life, that is –is a bit disheartening. I hope it changes soon, and I know it will. Once I get back to work it will. At least I have Toastmasters and Kung Fu to fill in those spaces when I feel as if I am about to burst from just the thought of having no one but Grandma and Paul to talk to most of the time. I feel despicable and ungrateful just stating that, but I can’t help how I feel. I was always on the go back in the tri-state. Now I am just a homebody. Not really for me, but I have to remember I can make changes and control that if I really want to. I just know Grandma needs me, but she’s getting better. Everything will get better and be wonderful once again.

Also, I will try and post more. It’s therapeutic.

Shots from Christmas...