2018 has been a challenging year, there is no way around it
the way I reflect on it now. I have tried looking at it from various angles,
trying to understand why it had to be this way, and I think I am still not
quite understanding why. These last few days of it have been marked with
sickness, fatigue, sadness, and a sprinkling of chaos just to make it all the
more fun. I feel like it has been a punishing year, and I really hate to feel
that way, but that is just the way it has felt.
Punished for what?, you might ask. I am not entirely sure,
but I do think it is mainly because I have not been true to myself and my own
personal beliefs, mainly in order to appease others, and to “fit in”, something
that has not been my calling card for a very long time. Earlier today, I used
that word- punishing –when speaking
to my friend about how I have felt upon reflecting on 2018, and she said God
would not punish me, that there is no reason for me to be punished, that God
knows I am doing my best and that life can just be difficult at times to make
us stronger and better to face what life might throw at us in the future. I
hope she’s right, but I if I still need to get stronger…I am in for a bumpy
ride, because strong is not the way I feel lately.
2018 has been a year of service for me. I have been a
mother, a wife, a caretaker, a realtor, a homemaker, a cook, a shoulder to cry
on, an ear to listen, a problem solver…but, I have not been any of these things
to myself. I have not practiced much in forms of self-care, only behavior that
I labeled as “treating myself” when it happened, but was really just making an
excuse for unhealthy self-indulgence when I was tired and stressed.
I came to North Carolina for a new life, a better life, a
life that was supposed to help form me into the new, better person I know I
could/can be. It started off great: the summer of 2016, when we moved here, was
full of promise and hope, positive energy, making and meeting goals, enjoying
life, and loving each other. Then, my grandmother got very sick and things
started to look bleak. Money was running out, and the plan of starting new jobs
later that year was not exactly staying on track. Then, on New Year’s Eve of that
year, a little voice told me I was pregnant, and then that inkling was
confirmed about two weeks later when I took a pregnancy test. So, that changed
a lot of things.
It was a very rough pregnancy, but I came out with a
beautiful, remarkable daughter at the end, and I am loving her more than I
thought possible to love another being as I have Lily. No regrets there, but it
threw a bit of a bump on the once smoother path to reaching my goals.
Our goals have been, to summarize:
-Do more to build a homestead-type lifestyle, where we rely
less on the framework society has built in forms of food, energy, health,
income, etc.
-Find out what our true passions are in life, and dive in headfirst
to make that what we do
-Live and love better, by trying to get more and enjoy more
out of life, and worry and stress less
Should have been simple goals to reach, right? Or at least
to work towards, or so we thought. We were certainly on that path, and it felt
ever so good and satisfying to be raising chickens and planting seeds and
building things and exploring solar energy and making budget plans that we
could actually stick to, and all of these other things and skills and
experiences we so desperately wanted…but, somehow, we got off of that path when
other responsibilities took foothold, and depression and laziness stepped in,
and now we are no better than before we moved here, and even further in the hole
financially-speaking, when financial freedom was one of our top goals.
I love my family, and my children are truly my reason for
continuing anything, but it shouldn’t be that way. I should also be doing the
things I do for me. I keep telling
myself that service to others is the greatest gift and a high honor, especially
to be caring for my grandmother who has done so much for me and my family
throughout her own life, but it still takes its toll. Caring for her has been
rewarding, yet extremely challenging, and from talking to others who have been
in similar circumstances, she is in a better state than most people her age.
Thus, I keep telling myself to count my blessings.
And count them I do…over and over until the little nagging,
complaining voice gets buried deep down below the surface, drowned out until
the next time it bobs back up. And that helps at the time, but it is just like
putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs surgery: Something more effective will
have to be done.
I look in the mirror and I can see it in my face. I can feel
it in my bones, in all the aches and pains, the unwarranted tightness in my
jaw. A change is desperately needed, and, no, I don’t think it is just
parenting and adulthood taking its toll. It is this life I have been given and
how I have chosen to treat it. I need to treat it better, by honoring my family
and friends and fellow beings, and myself. The world around us is very loud and
scary these days, but I have to not be afraid.
I am going to work on it, because- what else can I do? I
can’t give up and I won’t give up, even though I have to admit that thought
crosses my mind nearly every day. Some days I just do not want to get out of
bed, and that is not a good sign.
I am not writing this to cause worry, or illicit a reaction
from anyone, it’s just to get it out and put it out there, and move forward,
and maybe help someone who might be struggling with something similar.
I will end this by saying, today, on this New Year’s Eve of
2019, I am not going to make a resolution, but I am going to keep on going, and
trying to make myself a better person each and every day by doing whatever it
takes within reason, because taking care of myself along with my family needs
to come first no matter what. I will also list the things I am grateful for,
because it is always good to end and start on a positive note.
3 Things I am Grateful For at this Moment:
1.
I am grateful for the family I have, and that
they are always there for me, even when I think they aren’t
2.
I am grateful for a functioning heating system
in my home, because there are so many people in this world who do not have that
privilege
3.
I am grateful for the delicious lemon ginger
cheesecake my Aunt Diane made and brought while visiting this holiday break, of
which I just finished the last slice
I think as long as I live in a world where I have loved ones
caring for me who make me dinner and bake for me every once in a while, I must
be doing okay.
