I Love It When Things Just Click

Sometimes things are more obvious than they may seem.

I recently got a new cell phone, a Motorola, after being pretty dedicated to Samsung for the past few years. I tried this one out because it had some features that were more superior to Samsung’s offering in the same price bracket, and for the most part I have been satisfied. However, like with most new cellphones, not all functions are created equally, so navigating the new layout has been challenging here and there, despite it still operating under Android, which I am familiar with.

One function in particular that I could not figure a way around was how to change the default application to open email attachments. Accidentally, I set it so the printer app for the printer I use at work would open all email attachments. This would not have been such a big deal if the darn app allowed me to preview these attachments before sending them to the printer; alas, it did not. So, I would try to view files sent to me via email, and not be able to view them unless I was on my desktop or laptop. Not too convenient for a working mom Realtor on the go who generally has to do most things one-handed.

I searched the settings, and could not for anything find the key. Yes, I should have just “Googled it”, right? Or called customer service. But, you see, it was the midst of the holiday season when this happened, and now we are nearing the end of a very unMerry Sickmas in my house, so doing anything beyond opening an email and attempting to view it has been futile.

But, then, this morning, while driving Fifi to the pediatrician no less, the lender for a closing I have next week called to gently remind me I still needed to review the closing disclosure before the buyer could sign off on it. I had tried to view it last night, you see, but that stupid, f*@$ing app….

After hanging up with her with the promise of me getting to that CD as soon as humanly possible, a light bulb went off. Just uninstall the damn printer app, dummy. So, that’s what I did. And then my email not-so-magically defaulted back to the original PDF viewer where I could actually SEE the attachments on it.

So simple. So many headaches could have been avoided.

The point I am trying to make here through all this babble about cursed technology and being too busy to do even the simplest tasks is, sometimes we make things harder than they need to be. Sometimes the answer really is right there for us find in plain view.

But, our minds get crowded with all the other things we need to remember and concern ourselves with. Simple tasks become impossible. We lose focus. That has been a theme of my past year, I think. Where is my focus? My family? My job? My house? Me? I have felt very scattered, and oh so unlike myself.

What was the simple answer? My mind is still too clouded to see. But, hopefully, that light will go off soon and I can finally get myself back on track for good.

In the meantime, I have resolved to surrender myself to my duty as a mother and caretaker; the trip to the pediatrician revealed a double ear infection for my poor little sweetie (who is currently napping). Today she is on the road to recovery, though, I will nurse her back to health and try not to let all the others worries cloud my judgment.

Sick little sweetie

Listen always to your heart…and in some cases, common sense helps, too.

Perhaps a Pig-shaped Lantern Would Help

It’s New Years Day, and Seraphina has been sick since Christmas Eve. Not good. Her regular pediatrician’s office is closed until tomorrow, and I do not think she is sick enough to warrant a trip to the ER or urgent care, so I just gave her the last dose of Motrin and she is now snuggling with Great Grannie watching Puppy Dog Pals.

This situation is giving me flashbacks; when Lily was about 2 months away from turning 3, she spent NYE in the children’s hospital back in NJ for a nasty respiratory virus. It is never pleasant to spend time in the hospital with a sick child, but to spend it there on a holiday made it all the more bitter. I am wondering how this has come to be, to have another sick holiday with another young child. I had hoped and prayed last night that this illness would be behind her by today, so I can’t help but feel this is 2018 taking one last stab at me after I complained about it.

Screw you, 2018.

My dear friends Jay and Melissa have this awesome annual Chinese New Years party which I dearly miss since having moved south, and early this morning I got a Facebook notification about it- Jay reminding us its coming up, and that it will be the Year of the Pig. I was born in the Year of the Pig 1983, so maybe that holds some meaning for how this year will be. According to the Chinese Zodiac, pigs can be a symbol of good fortune. They also tend to sleep in, which is why they are the last sign on the zodiac. I definitely slept in today.

Birth year aside, I have held pigs in higher regard and adored them since as far back as I can remember. They are cute and smart in my opinion, although in many cultures that is not the common conception.

When I was in elementary school, we went on a school trip to visit a farm. The only thing I remember from the entire experience was getting to hold a soft, pink baby pig. It was so sweet and I just wanted to take it home with me. That moment affected me so deeply, it was probably the very first seed that caused me to go vegetarian a few years later, a diet I have chosen on-and-off again ever since; currently, I am not practicing vegetarianism or veganism, however I would like to be (not an easy feat when you live next door to the BBQ capital of the USA).

Today I am in a funk, surrendering to “doing nothingness”, and focusing on making my sweet little baby feel as comfortable as possible. Maybe we’ll get lucky and this is the last day she’ll feel bad. Not the best way to ring in the New Year, for any of us in this household. Our littlest light is dimmed today, and we are finding it difficult to do much of anything but helping to gain back that light.

And that’s what we’re all searching for anyway, isn’t it? Finding our light, or holding on to it. I hope I can move through the darkness more adeptly this year, and remember the light is always shining, but sometimes I must seek it out and nurture it a bit.

Image courtesy of Aligorith's Lair

Goodbye and Good Riddance, 2018

2018 has been a challenging year, there is no way around it the way I reflect on it now. I have tried looking at it from various angles, trying to understand why it had to be this way, and I think I am still not quite understanding why. These last few days of it have been marked with sickness, fatigue, sadness, and a sprinkling of chaos just to make it all the more fun. I feel like it has been a punishing year, and I really hate to feel that way, but that is just the way it has felt.

Punished for what?, you might ask. I am not entirely sure, but I do think it is mainly because I have not been true to myself and my own personal beliefs, mainly in order to appease others, and to “fit in”, something that has not been my calling card for a very long time. Earlier today, I used that word- punishing –when speaking to my friend about how I have felt upon reflecting on 2018, and she said God would not punish me, that there is no reason for me to be punished, that God knows I am doing my best and that life can just be difficult at times to make us stronger and better to face what life might throw at us in the future. I hope she’s right, but I if I still need to get stronger…I am in for a bumpy ride, because strong is not the way I feel lately.

2018 has been a year of service for me. I have been a mother, a wife, a caretaker, a realtor, a homemaker, a cook, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a problem solver…but, I have not been any of these things to myself. I have not practiced much in forms of self-care, only behavior that I labeled as “treating myself” when it happened, but was really just making an excuse for unhealthy self-indulgence when I was tired and stressed.

I came to North Carolina for a new life, a better life, a life that was supposed to help form me into the new, better person I know I could/can be. It started off great: the summer of 2016, when we moved here, was full of promise and hope, positive energy, making and meeting goals, enjoying life, and loving each other. Then, my grandmother got very sick and things started to look bleak. Money was running out, and the plan of starting new jobs later that year was not exactly staying on track. Then, on New Year’s Eve of that year, a little voice told me I was pregnant, and then that inkling was confirmed about two weeks later when I took a pregnancy test. So, that changed a lot of things.

It was a very rough pregnancy, but I came out with a beautiful, remarkable daughter at the end, and I am loving her more than I thought possible to love another being as I have Lily. No regrets there, but it threw a bit of a bump on the once smoother path to reaching my goals.

Our goals have been, to summarize:

-Do more to build a homestead-type lifestyle, where we rely less on the framework society has built in forms of food, energy, health, income, etc.

-Find out what our true passions are in life, and dive in headfirst to make that what we do

-Live and love better, by trying to get more and enjoy more out of life, and worry and stress less

Should have been simple goals to reach, right? Or at least to work towards, or so we thought. We were certainly on that path, and it felt ever so good and satisfying to be raising chickens and planting seeds and building things and exploring solar energy and making budget plans that we could actually stick to, and all of these other things and skills and experiences we so desperately wanted…but, somehow, we got off of that path when other responsibilities took foothold, and depression and laziness stepped in, and now we are no better than before we moved here, and even further in the hole financially-speaking, when financial freedom was one of our top goals.

I love my family, and my children are truly my reason for continuing anything, but it shouldn’t be that way. I should also be doing the things I do for me. I keep telling myself that service to others is the greatest gift and a high honor, especially to be caring for my grandmother who has done so much for me and my family throughout her own life, but it still takes its toll. Caring for her has been rewarding, yet extremely challenging, and from talking to others who have been in similar circumstances, she is in a better state than most people her age. Thus, I keep telling myself to count my blessings.

And count them I do…over and over until the little nagging, complaining voice gets buried deep down below the surface, drowned out until the next time it bobs back up. And that helps at the time, but it is just like putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs surgery: Something more effective will have to be done.

I look in the mirror and I can see it in my face. I can feel it in my bones, in all the aches and pains, the unwarranted tightness in my jaw. A change is desperately needed, and, no, I don’t think it is just parenting and adulthood taking its toll. It is this life I have been given and how I have chosen to treat it. I need to treat it better, by honoring my family and friends and fellow beings, and myself. The world around us is very loud and scary these days, but I have to not be afraid.

I am going to work on it, because- what else can I do? I can’t give up and I won’t give up, even though I have to admit that thought crosses my mind nearly every day. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, and that is not a good sign.

I am not writing this to cause worry, or illicit a reaction from anyone, it’s just to get it out and put it out there, and move forward, and maybe help someone who might be struggling with something similar.

I will end this by saying, today, on this New Year’s Eve of 2019, I am not going to make a resolution, but I am going to keep on going, and trying to make myself a better person each and every day by doing whatever it takes within reason, because taking care of myself along with my family needs to come first no matter what. I will also list the things I am grateful for, because it is always good to end and start on a positive note.

3 Things I am Grateful For at this Moment:

1.     I am grateful for the family I have, and that they are always there for me, even when I think they aren’t

2.     I am grateful for a functioning heating system in my home, because there are so many people in this world who do not have that privilege

3.     I am grateful for the delicious lemon ginger cheesecake my Aunt Diane made and brought while visiting this holiday break, of which I just finished the last slice

I think as long as I live in a world where I have loved ones caring for me who make me dinner and bake for me every once in a while, I must be doing okay.

Easter Treats

Easter is not usually a big holiday for me. I suppose it was when I was a kid, though- wearing a new Easter dress, hunting for hidden eggs to place in my pretty spring basket, sifting through all the goodies the bunny brought with my sister and cousins...

That's what it's like for Lily now, and in Davidson County, where we live in NC, Easter is kind of a big deal.

For starters, Lily went to five Easter Egg hunt events this year. FIVE. We have so many plastic eggs, we could run our own county-wide hunt next year. So many jelly beans and Tootsie rolls and other junk candy resides in my house at this moment. Much will be thrown out, but not before enough is eaten to keep our dentist in business.

I think she also received about eight chocolate bunnies. EIGHT. Stop the madness!

When I stuff her eggs for the ones she finds at home on Easter morning, I do a 50-50 candy to small toy ratio. This year she got a few Shopkins, a few new collectible Lego figures, and a bunch of Jelly Bellies, the latter of which I have already eaten a good percentage of...

...Did I tell you I was pregnant? Did I tell you this little bean sprout growing inside of me has a taste for sweets and grease? Can I tell you I now understand why people have personal dietitians and life coaches???

I digress...we had a very nice Easter. Here's how it went...

Ready for the egg hunt

Bounding off the big bouncy slide

Thank goodness for cookie decorating, or mommy would've starved!

We kicked off Easter week with an egg hunt extravaganza at another local elementary school, hosted by our neighbors' church. They had bouncy rides, games to play, crafts, face-painting, and, of course, a HUGE egg hunt at the end. No food though, which left me feeling a bit disappointed...however they did have cookie decorating...

Waiting patiently at the egg hunt gates

And they're off!

Returning with her haul

So many eggs!...So many cavities!

Needless to say, Lily had a fantastic time at the Egg Hunt Extravaganza. And I was officially pooped by the end of it. The weather was gorgeous and Lily was happy, so I was happy.

During the week we (me, Grandma, and Lily, while Paul held down the fort) drove up to visit family in Virginia. My cousin and his wife had a second baby in March, so we got to meet the little nugget! Out of respect for their privacy, I won't post any pictures, but we had a lovely, drama-free time, which included lunch in town with my aunt, hiking on all the wilderness surrounding my uncle's estate, shopping for baby with Grandma, dinner and family time at my cousin's, and fun lunch and ice cream on the journey home. 

My aunt's dog, Cinnamon, ready for action

Ready for our morning hike

Old horse trailer

Loving the new kitty purse Great Grannie gifted her

"Let's go, Cinnamon!"

Easter weekend arrived and on Saturday we went to Grannie's church for another egg hunt (the two others were held at Girl Scouts and at Lily's school), along with a fun suncatcher craft, Jello treats, activities, and Bible study. We are not particularly religious, but I am fine with exposing Lily to all walks of life, spiritual paths included. She had plenty of questions about Jesus' resurrection, and I'm sure is still a little confused, and maybe now thinks that Jesus is a zombie.

Thinking about Jesus eating brains (God forgive me)

After returning from Grandma's church, we got down to our own Easter crafts and baking. We saw this cute little video for making egg spirit animals and that is all Lily wanted to do. I did not get any pics of her making them, but they are pictured below with all of our completed Easter treats. I also came across a video for Springtime Rice Krispie Nests- SUPER CUTE! -so we made those, too, along with dying our eggs this year the old-fashioned way: with food coloring, vinegar, bowls, and spoons, and not buying a kit! I also made an Orange Zest Bunny Bundt cake of my own creation, the particular kind of cake being requested by my neighbor who was hosting Easter dinner. It was a busy, fun-filled day.

Stirring the marshmallows and butter for the nests

Our baking creations and our spirit animal eggs!

Cute and tasty!

But the cake was the big hit!

It wasn't easy getting Lily to bed that night so I had to wait until way after 10 to set up her basket and for Paul to hide the eggs. I, for one, had no trouble falling asleep that night.

Lily was up with the sun Easter morning, babbling about a few of the hidden animal eggs she'd already uncovered filled with Shopkins. I was promptly dragged out of bed; Daddy, that clever bastard, went to sleep in the basement family room, so he could not be attacked first thing in the morning..!

That hair...

Ready to find some eggs...again

Jellybeans!

That sneaky daddy, I mean, Bunny hid an egg across the creek

The proud huntress with her catch

Lily was happy with her basket (pics don't lie). We got right to the egg hunt after she went through it (we got Daddy up), and then I made breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes, and fruit. Then it was time for church. Like I said before, we are not religious, but we knew it would make Grandna happy if we joined her at Easter service on one of the Christians' most momentous days. And the service was lovely. Good vibes were felt by all...until Grandma had a fainting spell when we went outside to continue prayer service in the sun. Luckily, an EMT was present and he helped her come back to her wits well enough that we could just take her home and not to the hospital (this time). So, the remainder of Easter was spent in bed for poor Grannie.

As soon as we got home, after getting my Grandma settled, I got to finish decorating the bunny bundt cake and putting the rice krispie nest platter together, then we went over to our neighbors' house, where their extensive family already was arriving. Easter dinner was a feast of ham, corn, broccoli salad, spring mix salad, green bean casserole, pistachio salad, and warm rolls. Lily cleaned her plate then she and all the kids dove into the bunny cake, shortly after scampering off outside to burn off all the sugar (and get covered in dirt, but whatevs).

Adding a flower to the Easter cross at church

My pretty girl

Despite Grandma not feeling too well, it was a good day. A good week. We are so grateful to be here and be able to spend it with good friends and family, even though we left so many in NJ, PA, and NY. BUT, guess what!- my mom will be here later today, so yay! Life is good...

Happy spring, ya'll!